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Best places for fall biking in Central Jersey?
2020.09.23 20:05 GTSBurner Best places for fall biking in Central Jersey?
So I just equipped our entire family with bikes. It’s the first time me and my partner will be riding in years. I’m looking for easy places to go biking around CNJ for both of us and our preteen. I know the Delaware Canal in Princeton and the Belmar boardwalk are two good spots, but are there any more recommendations? We are essentially looking for flat, not too rough terrain to start.
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2020.09.17 17:33 catownerAH At the end of my rope..
I'm 32, I've been a single mom to 2 kids for 9 years, after having the first my senior year of HS.
I have been barely scraping by for those 9 years. I make around 30k a year including child support. I have an AA Degree in nothing (college transfer). No partner, and no parents to fall back on or help. Only real work experiences is child care, but a year ago I was banned from care sites due to a misdemeanor charge for reckless driving ( for speeding ) that flags on every background check. Can't work for a nanny agency anymore due to background check as well. Between that and a couple other infractions and a rear end accident on my record I doubt I can get any driving job at all.
Most things I could go to university for require you to be in class all day long, so I'm not sure how I could also work 50 hours a week to pay the bills. I have no friend to live with, or relatives. I've applied for literally hundreds of jobs and get no call backs. Or they end up offer $10-12/hr which isn't gonna cut it. I dont even qualify to rent the cheapest of 2 bedroom apartments in my city incomewise, nevermind a 3 bedroom so that my boy-girl preteens could have their own rooms.
How in the world do y'all get by?! I don't want to live in a high crime area and then leave my kids home alone all day so I can work to pay for it 😭 I just feel like I'm running out of options.
I'm not in an emergency situation this second, but looking for advice to not be stuck in and out of one forever like I've been.
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2020.09.16 18:09 healthysocks I'm too embarrassed to talk about my age regression
Honestly this is pretty long and I'm on mobile so sorry if it's hard to read! I don't know if I'm looking for advice or what, but I just need to get this out somewhere. If anyone can even just read some of it, I'll feel a bit better I think. Tw for slight mention of child abuse and also a mention of dd/lg.
I wanna start this off by saying that I don't know if I even truly 'regress'. I have never had a moment where I actually thought or pretended I was a child. I'm sure the definition isn't quite that strict but I feel like it's common in CPTSD to have age regression go hand-in-hand with flashbacks/dissociation and escapism. I do have flashbacks, I do dissociate, and I do exhibit bad habits related to escapism- but I don't also actually revert to a younger age during these as far as I'm aware.
My main form of age-innapropriate behavior is mostly just ingrained into my mental capacity and my mannerisms. My immature mental state is a huge problem in itself but it's one that I'm not so embarrassed talking about with my therapist. It took me a long time to admit that I wasn't quite a functioning adult but honestly it's very clear and I try to tackle that mountain all the time slowly. This ranges from relearning my thought processes and untangling trauma, and slowly trying to build life skills. I'm talking cooking, cleaning, paperwork, "adulting" so to speak. I never learned any of that, and while that's VERY embarrassing for me I at least feel okay being open about it with my therapist and my partner. It's a great humiliation to me and causes me a huge amount of shame, but I find I'm able to at least acknowledge it.
What has been eating at me, and what I have trouble talking about, is the mannerisms part. I have always been like this. My trauma happened when I was about ten or so and my mannerisms haven't changed since. I am this way without thinking, I'd say I don't act childish, more like I am childish. While I don't think about it, I find I certainly exhibit my most childish behavior when I'm with my partner alone, which is when I feel safest. I feel like I automatically suppress a lot of it when I'm meeting new, adult people.
I speak in a high-pitched voice. I say words a little funny, how a kid might say them. Rather, how somebody purposefully pretending to be a kid might say them. And honestly not even how a ten-year-old would speak, but how a toddler might. I can't even think of specifics because it comes so naturally to me, but I know I do it. Imagine something like "sowwy!" and an exaggerated pout when I mess something up, or "hewwo!" when I'm excited to see you. The way I posture and move and speak and act is strange. I'm always trying to be cutesy and babyish. I have exaggerated expressions and movements and I do it without thinking. It's who I am.
And I hate it. I feel disgusting. A huge blow to me came when I was hanging out with a friend of mine and her boyfriend one time. They apparently had a bit of a DD/LG dynamic sexually and while I do NOT like that, I find that my experiences make it very difficult for me to objectively judge. In other words, it grosses me out but I see it as otherwise none of my business. Anyway, my friend started flirting with her bf and she was calling him "Daddy" and pouting and saying "pwease?" and I felt an explosion of disgust. And I think the disgust was because she was acting, in my opinion, like me. I'd never think of calling my partner Daddy and I actually don't think I bring many of my childish mannerisms into the bedroom, but she was acting how I usually act. And I felt disgusting. That might have been when I first started to realize the extent of my mannerisms or just how much I feel gross about them. I'm not sure.
This is also a weird aspect to the situation and I hope somebody maybe understands it a bit. I talked like this (probably even more so) when I was younger. At that age of ten, I even remember one of my friends in school asking me why I "talked like a baby" and everyone knew I was this cutesy cutesy girl. I was super into anime and I think at the time it started as me being young and trying to emulate anime girls who have babyish voices and are cute and childish. I know lots of kids go through a similar phase, and I think even some people I knew also acted the same way. We were cringy nerds who wanted to be 'cute' and anime, and that came with these sugary mannerisms and stupid high-pitched voices.
But I'm not driven by that anymore. I haven't been for a long time. In fact I think it's quite embarrassing and while I still believe every preteen is entitled to that phase (an 'anime' phase in particular was super common, and I think it still is) I never wished to continue acting like that beyond my younger years. I don't want to be having the sad, hilarious thought "Do I act like this because of trauma or because of anime?"
I don't even want to acknowledge it. My partner has never mentioned it. He calls me cute a lot and I definitely still want to be 'cute'. But I am almost certain a baby voice and mannerisms are very weird to him. I'm fairly certain he hasn't mentioned it outright because he's used to it by now and I'm sure he sees it as part of my personality and he is very loving. I don't think he'd criticize part of my personality like that. I appreciate that a lot. That said, I'm fairly certain if he was being honest he'd say an adult acting like a child would be strange. He knew me when I was younger, so if anything I'm sure he attributes it to my old geeky phase. I'm not so sure, I feel honestly like the mannerisms might've persisted this long because of things that have happened to me. I want to figure it out. I want to change. Usually I tell him everything and when I make a deep realization about myself I always talk about it with him before I even think of telling my therapist.
But I'm so embarrassed. Obviously he knows how I act. But if I started to talk about it and he actually acknowledged it, I don't know how I could handle that. I'm so embarrassed. I wish I wasn't like this because I don't want to talk about it. I just want it to stop, but I hardly understand it. It just feels like that's 'how I am' but I don't feel like it's normal. When I think of how other people must perceive me when I act like that in front of anyone, I feel so much shame. At best, I feel like they get the impression that I'm strange, and a bit of an awkward nerd. I don't like that at all, really. But I like it more than the alternative, which I think might be true, that I act this way because something happened to me when I was a kid and I haven't been able to change since then.
I don't know how to ever explain this to my therapist. It helps to know that age regression is a 'thing' and yes, it makes me feel better to see that it's common with a lot of people in my situation. But I'm still just so embarrassed by it. It's a glaringly obvious part of my personality and I'm trying to pretend it doesn't exist because deep down it makes me feel gross. It feels stupid because I don't want to admit I act this way when it is so obvious that I act this way. It'd be like I spent every moment hoping nobody notices I have bad eyesight when I'm wearing glasses all the time.
Thanks for reading any of that, and any words are appreciated. Especially if you have experienced anything similar or have talked to someone else about it.
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2020.09.14 03:18 bath_assalts I know the yeasted variety is usually posted here, but tonight I made flatbread while my partner made hummus and we tricked our preteen into eating more vegetables than he knew about.
2020.09.13 08:11 brinking_on_the_live As a straight passing bisexual woman...
I so often feel like there’s not a space for me in the LGBT community. Especially because I’ve only ever dated men. It’s honestly to the point where I hardly ever mention my sexuality because it just doesn’t seem like it matters. And as much as I don’t feel like there’s a space for me, I also feel like I don’t deserve to take up space in the conversation because I live my life essentially as a straight person.
But here’s the thing: I grew up in a pretty strongly Christian family. and when I was in middle school and had my first crush on anyone of any sex (~2010) I was in a world where 1. the Westboro Baptist church was widely publicized, and 2. Glee was first premiering on national TV. So while it turned out that both my family and my church were widely accepting of LGBT, I felt sinful and wrong for my feelings. I began to fully question my faith and who I was for the first time at 12 years old, and felt largely upset and uncomfortable in church. I no longer felt like I had a place in this space.
And what happened? I decided that I didn’t believe in God. I felt broken and wrong. I cried quietly in church. I prayed for answers and got none. It’s hard for me to reflect on these experiences and who I was at the time, as well as what I believe now, without feeling that same hurt and isolation I felt as a preteen. That feeling has stuck with me, despite the fact that I grew up in a liberal household, and I later found out my very own Episcopal priest was gay. And that Episcopal churches were very accepting of LGBT. But, at the same time, I have to wonder: why did no one tell me? How accepting can you be if it’s secretly whispered in church hallways? If it’s known but not official?
I don’t know. I guess what I’m trying to share with this post is that I understand some of the challenges that come with not being straight, even if I could live forever as a “straight” woman. And I wish I could say that I felt there was a place for my story in this community, but I don’t. When I’ve told it to my straight male partners in the past they have never understood it. I don’t know. I don’t know how to live as a bisexual woman. Maybe in my next relationship I’ll be able to fully feel comfortable expressing myself. Maybe next time I’ll be with a woman. I just want my future partner — and my friends, my family — to know how hard this experience and these feelings are for me, even if I tend to date men.
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2020.09.12 18:53 heyomika Educator with an OnlyFans needs advice
Hey guys so I am new to posting on reddit and needed some advice. I love reading everyone’s comments and how they feel. I know I can come to you guys for help.
Just a back story so I can get as much out of this as possible.
I am 21 turning 22. My background is working with preteens-teens. My oldest student is 17. These kids are very tech savvy and can find out anything and everything about you. I used to do the same at their age. HOWEVER the shoe is on a different foot and I can’t risk promoting myself on IG, FB, the mainstream platforms.
I like the idea of income security that my career is giving me but I like also the side hustle. It’s fun for me and my partner as well it gives us extra dough in our pockets to save for future things we want.
What platforms or safe ways can I promote myself so that my teens would have a harder time finding it or not being able to link it back to me??
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2020.09.12 02:27 happiness_is Had an extremely uncomfortable moment today, and just want comfort.
It’s been a real process trying to validate my own trauma.
As part of that validation, by the encouragement of my therapist, I’m starting an intensive outpatient program to learn skills to better manage my emotional flashbacks.
I had my intake today. Needed to briefly summarize my story, my childhood, where I am now. Then there were some specific questions about abuse. “Just the emotional/verbal from childhood, right?” the nice therapist asked.
Then there was lump in my throat and I had to cough. Sudden vivid images were in my mind. Two sisters in swimsuits, damp from playing in the pool. A rare joyful summer day. But it’s not really joyful. I’m just a young kid, in third or fourth grade, my sister older, a preteen, in sixth or seventh.
Images of her exposing herself to me. Telling me what parts of her felt like what. What felt good. How to touch what. Making me show myself. Pointing out that mine was different, weird, wrong. Making me prod myself to see what she meant. How are kids supposed to know that not everyone’s genitals look the same?
“Were you molested?” the therapist asks. I question revealing this because maybe it doesn’t count. Maybe it’s just kids being kids.
But the damage has impacted me. Years of shame. Fear of using tampons. My brain convinced I’m different down there. Broken. The first time I have sex it’s excruciating. I’m definitely broken. Tampons hurt like hell. I can’t relax. I’m broken. Doctors convincing me it’s my head, I’m crazy, just relax. Then surgery - extra tissue removed. Sex still hurts because I can’t relax. With a partner I love and trust more than anything I cannot feel sexy because I must be broken still. I look wrong. My parts are wrong. I’ll always be broken.
“No, she just exposed herself to me and made me do the same, I think...,” I end up saying. That’s pretty much that. We move on to the next question.
I can’t stop thinking about this. I feel cold. My throat feels like I can’t swallow normally. My arms aren’t moving naturally. I have to think very hard about every little movement. I’m short of breath. I’ve slept most of the day away. I feel like dry heaving and groaning.
My sister texts our family group chat and I burst into tears. A wolf in sheep’s clothing.
I can’t even say it out loud. The weight of that small moment, the impact it has had on me, my availability to intimacy. Just one moment, years and years and years ago. I’m broken. I don’t want to be broken.
I’m terrified I’ll never be healed of this.
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2020.09.11 08:09 prefersdogs And I saw myself become the villain: a woman who’s never wanted to be a mother nor caretaker.
Hello. I’m a woman in my early 30s. I’ve lurked childfree
for almost a decade. I’ve consciously
known I was CF for more than 15 years. In my teens, it occurred to me that this is a choice and not an inevitability.
My mind has not changed in all this time. If anything, with each passing year I am more firmly sure. However, over the course of my life I have changed a lot in other ways, so I know better than to be totally immovable. It would require some serious restructuring of my core values, but it’s not impossible that this, too, could change.
My favorite posts here are the ones by older people who are far past child-rearing age and lived CF without regret. And those by parents who are honest about their regrets (in no way do I revel in their pain, but their sincerity is important and refreshing in a world that largely sugarcoats parenthood).
I’m still young enough, but wanted to write a kind of mid-way post. If reddit is still around in 20-30 years, maybe I’ll report in again then.
I don't volunteer this info nor talk about it openly. I want to tell my story here because I haven't yet seen one entirely like this. And because it’s important for us to tell our brutally-honest stories and dispel the common assumptions, especially about women. So here goes:
My first hint was dolls.
As a toddler I had a baby doll and a stuffed dog. Preferred the dog. I never liked dolls that looked like babies or children; found them ugly.
I liked animals, action figures, and stylized dolls like Barbie. People love to complain about B, saying “Children should have toys that look like themselves!” (no thanks) or “Children form body-image issues because of Barbie!”
I can assure you, my insecurities did not
come from Barbie or magazines, but from the real girls in school right beside me. The popular ones with fashionable clothes (whose parents had money), or those who weren’t embarrassed in swim class because they had clear skin (while I felt like a disgusting troll with body acne). Second hint: the real thing.
On two separate occasions around 3-4 years old, I was 1. Left in a room with a baby and 2. Left in a room with a puppy.
I remember that baby shrilly, relentlessly screeching for what felt like hours. Maybe that scarred me for life. Echoing my experience with toys, the dog was much better. Cute and fun; uneventful. My distaste for babies started becoming even more evident later on:
Even as kids, some female friends would scream and coo over a baby in a stroller, baby photos, or get excited about window-shopping for baby clothes. I was never able to match their enthusiasm. I only felt disgust, or confusion at best. "You were a child once, you know" doesn't work on me. Indeed I was, and I didn't like them back then, either.
I don't miss childhood or children at all, and I've had a much better time as an adult.
Many adults' memories of childhood seem forgetfully rosy: like it was all fun and games and worry-free. Maybe it truly was, for them. I didn't have the worst childhood, but it wasn't worry-free by a long shot.
Adults also put children on pedestals. But children can be cruel: they haven’t developed a sense of empathy yet but already know how to lie, manipulate, and hurt others to get their way. They're like a bunch of little sociopaths. That's not their fault, but casting them as "innocent angels" is disingenuous. I don't "want to be an aunt" nor "volunteer".
I say this explicitly because, as a woman, there's an expectation that if you don't mother, you must
exhibit other nurturing qualities. Admitting you don’t like being around children pegs you as a villain.
It's infuriating to see women in writing and IRL constantly have to qualify their stance with "...but I do babysit/teach kids/community service/love my nephew!" If they're genuinely into that, that's great. If not, it doesn't make them monsters. As if a woman has no value except by directly, conspicuously
serving others. "So you're selfish."
Sure, though no more than any parent. I cannot think of a truly selfless, beneficial reason for me to have kids, especially now.
I’m also appalled at speciesism. I’m far from perfect in that regard and it’s fine not to like pets. But to say “I can’t believe you don’t prioritize your own species” in response to someone else’s preference to adopt a cat or dog over bearing a child? Really?
Earth is overpopulated by humans. In a short time, we've completely devastated the environment. We’ve historically relied on subjugation and slavery to thrive. There are countless children in need of adoption.
But not enough of those are baby white boys, right? I'm not joking. I’ve also heard people casually voice the idea that someone "is the right
kind of person" who "should
have a baby", because of their race and/or intelligence combined with wealth. Come on, eugenics? Have we learned nothing
That said, I'm pro-choice either way and not anti-natalist. I don't look down on people for whom parenthood is an important experience. I only wish they would extend us the same kindness. Sadly, that's rarely the case even among friends. Speaking of friends; be careful:
I was out with someone I respect and admire a few years ago and they said to me, unprovoked, "Maybe in your 30s you'll figure out whether you really want to have a baby or not."
It was hurtful because I thought we were close, and the tone was condescending. Maybe this is wrong of me to assume, but I would have thought their life experiences would've taught them how horrible it feels to be questioned about something deeply personal that you've always known about yourself, but that society at large doesn't readily accept.
I never berated that person's desire to have children. The little I ever said about it was always framed as my personal take that I understood to be strange and different. A "what do you think?" and never
as a principle others should espouse. There's a lot that can go wrong, especially for a woman, even in the best of circumstances.
Difficult pregnancies and deliveries, physical and/or mental debilitation due to both. Tearing, death, stroke, postpartum depression, PTSD, the baby being sick or disabled, a partner who doesn't help or is altogether absent, and on the list goes.
The best case scenario is that all of that goes well and you're still saddled with something horribly expensive that smells bad and must be around you constantly, besides other headaches. (I don’t understand how people can like “baby smell”; for me it’s nauseating, like warm milk. I’d rather take “wet dog”, any day. See a pattern here?) I would absolutely abort; there is no logical reason to sacrifice myself for a parasite.
I grew up religious. In youth, I mirrored my parents’ politics: I was pro-choice but thought abortion was not an option for me. Then I grew up and became a sceptical atheist (or agnostic, I just don’t care). Now I would not hesitate to dispose of a mass of cells. Especially now that I know how likely I am to be permanently injured, disfigured, or die by carrying it to term. Some assume that CF people focus overly on the negatives. That we're just scared and don't look at the bright side. The problem is, the benefits don't appeal either.
Some people don't like dogs, karaoke, mountain-climbing, caviar, or anal sex. Maybe it's hard to imagine that someone doesn't share your interests, hobbies, or values, but disparaging them for it is not a good look.
And don't come at me with "apples and oranges - you can't compare MAKING A LIFE with caviar". It's a straw man. Billions of "miracles" already exist; we can consider other ways of contributing to their ability to continue living on this planet.
A male friend (who I later learned was interested
) once voiced his gross fantasies about me as a mother, saying things like "but you'd be a really cute mom!" Right. Yeah, see, it's not that I think I'd definitely be a bad one. I simply don't find pleasure in the idea, and that should be the end of that. I have SO MANY other things I want to accomplish.
It's already hard enough to find time and energy for my passions while working and enduring guilt from people wanting me to socialize more. Why would I want to add another energy-leech? I'd be the equivalent of the absent father who's always locked away in his study.
Or, I'd be obsessed. When I do something, it's all or nothing: I have to learn everything about it and become adept. I could imagine wanting
to be the absent father who continues to prioritize his intellectual endeavors, but in reality becoming a resentful mombie. If it wasn’t obvious already, I do have mental health issues and concerns.
PPD would be a real one. I've already suffered co-morbid anxiety and depression; I don't need extra. I still have weeks when I can barely take care of myself or anything else around me. At least a houseplant won’t die right away if I have to neglect it; you can’t neglect a child.
I'm also an introvert and possibly schizoid
. (If you don't know, the latter has nothing to do with schizophrenia. Kindly don't
assume and do
read. Some parts of the schizoid personality type are a little like introversion on steroids: we require solitude to function.)
I’m sorry if revealing this has negative repercussions. I know that some trolls like to latch onto mental illness, broken homes, or other issues as reasons for “women misbehaving”. I can’t help that; those people are not capable of understanding and will always find a way to support their own beliefs. The reason I revealed this at all is in case it helps anyone feel less alone or understand something about themselves. I’ve always appreciated the introvert stories here, and when I learned about SPT I wondered if some of us who are highly-introverted and CF may also have that in common.
Regardless, I have no desire to have something clinging to me at all hours for years, or worse: growing inside me. Sounds like a nightmare. "But children grow up and become accomplished adults! They're not hideous potatoes forever! You can’t raise a dog to be an interesting person!"
See above. I simply don't thrive on being around people in general and don't feel a need to create a minion to have a relationship with. Not to mention, those precious babies that so many parents fuck up with their own mental health issues frequently grow up and become teenagers and then adults who want little to do with their families. I don't just not want a baby: I also don't want a toddler, kid, preteen, teen, or college student.
Conversely, I have known baby-crazy people to completely ignore the fact that they’re creating a human that will grow and probably become different from them. (How cute that your 8-year-old mini-me likes all the things you raised them to like. Let's see what that looks like in a few years.)
If I have to wait 30 years before I even like my crotchspawn, I would rather just skip all that and make friends with a pre-made adult. Chosen family over forced blood bonds. There is only one person who I've talked about this with extensively: my partner.
People don't seem to believe either of us, like talking openly isn't a thing that can happen in relationships.
Neither of us want children (and agree that 90% of babies are hideous). Yes, we're sure the other one isn't lying. Maybe at first I was a little worried that he might want to become a family man, but we had that conversation. We've also continued to "check in" over the many years and trials our relationship has endured. If either of us had some sort of midlife crisis fueled change of heart, we'd have to figure it out together: it's NOT ok to force someone into having a child. For all of the reasons above, my fear would be losing my logical reasoning to biologically-driven, hormonal urges.
I know at least one woman who was previously CF and did change her mind. It scared me, but this topic is so hard to broach, even (as demonstrated earlier) with friends.
When this woman talks about her change, I hate to say this but her reasons sound like those of every other parent that had a relatively unfulfilling life prior to the child. She says “I didn’t get it before, I didn’t believe them! I thought partying and drinking and traveling were so great, but my child is so much better!” But those are entertainment; a little shallow to begin with (maybe
you could argue otherwise about travel). So I do believe her, I can imagine getting bored with those activities. Whereas, if you have things in your life that are truly important to you, not entertainment but core values that you would
make sacrifices for in one way or another, I can’t imagine letting go of those without regret. That’d be some serious chemistry.
And therein lies the problem. For some people, it is
serious chemistry. Frightening. Almost like a mental illness or influence of drugs: a loss of control. If it washes over you so strongly, what can you do except hope it sticks around for at least 20 years? And if it doesn’t? Regret, PPD, and the doublethink we see so frequently: “Having a baby is the greatest thing you can possibly do in life!” while simultaneously complaining how utterly horrible parenthood actually is and how exhausted they are and what little shits their kids turned out to be.
I feel so relieved reading the many accounts of women whose clock never ticked, and I hope to come back as one of them. But if it ticks, how can you protect yourself? I’ve given thought to sterilization so that my biochem can’t sabotage my dreams, but it’s not easy for a woman (expensive, invasive) so I haven’t made the move.
That’s all for now, folks. Hope you all stay happy, healthy, and child-free.
P.S. this was supposed to be a throwaway and this great username was not taken? What a waste.
Thank you all so much for your kind (and civil!) comments, reactions, and stories. I'm so grateful for this community.
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2020.09.06 00:11 Iamthedarkside Summer Solstice Scents reviews that were not all fun in the sun
Hellooo IMAM! This is my second post following my Sea of Gray one, and I'm a talker so strap in! Do feel free to skip to the tldr's cause I can talk a glass eye to sleep, but I wanted to be thorough. But before I do, let me do the obligatory filling you in on my tastes with some context. Again, feel free to skip onto the good stuff.
So I'm currently based in the Middle East, the U.A.E to be specific, and I've spent most of my childhood in Sri Lanka and the Middle East, so my tastes in perfume (and style in general) are definitely more oriental. I love heavy hitters with massive throw and I've probably been spoilt by my experiences in longevity, because my oud 'fumes last weeks-months on everything they touch and 2 days on my skin (if I haven't showered).
Notes I hate: licorice, green forest-y notes, herbs like sage/rosemary/fennel, etc.
Notes I like/ love: most fruity notes! My preference is "darker" fruity notes that are usually paired with oud, or spices, but I like light ones just the same. I also am a basic bitch and love a good vanilla. Also ambers and flourmands, or fruity florals.
Notes I don't mind: Gourmand ones when they have a bit more depth (aka throw in some spice and fruit).
Notes I usually pass on: Atmospherics, leather, pumpkin, dusty/earthy notes even though I love petrichor.
I got these within a week of ordering (10/8) from the US to the UAE. These were all shipped via DHL too so TAT was pretty speedy given most international TAT's. The weather here is currently in highs of 40C (104F) so I let all these rest for about 1-2 weeks. I did of course have a couple of early sniffies at the start and during the 2 weeks, but I did cheat on a few which I've noted. Also, SFB is sniff from the bottle. NOW ONTO THE REVIEWS.
Gulf breeze: Saltwater, sand, seashells, sea oats, rain, ambergris (vegan accord)
SFB after arriving: sweet aloe vera, imagining a light green, smells fresh and airy. Tiny hint of floral like sweet pea .After 5 days SFB: still very much sweet pea and aloe vera, but with a hint of something smokey/ashy? Hmm...No more ashy, but more mens aquatics, but a smidge sweeter, blegh.
5 days after arrival, applied, wet: Christ. It's fresh, it verges on headache inducing. Made the edges of my nose tingle/burn a bit. This might be the salt note. The salt note I'm used to is Lush's body spray in Big (same scent as the Big Shampoo). This just isn't reminiscent of the ocean for me. What it does smell like is a nice, freshly showered man. Already I can tell that this is not for me; not because it's bad per say, but not what I had hoped it would be. Why do I even try with aquatics. Thank god for Sea of Gray (previous post) for being the only one that works.
2 weeks later: Yup, still isn't for me. I can see how this is supposed to be an ocean interpretation, but it's not that for me. What I'm getting is cool aloe vera, mens cologne and fancy hotel soap with some petrichorness/silt which might be the beach sand. Definitely is crisp and fresh like Angela says. Color now reads as light turquoise to me but just this is so not for me. It's quite masculine fresh and honestly, I don't want my man smelling this clean.
Low throw/medium longevity (5 ish hours)
Tried to salvage it by layering it over sun warmed honey (which was worn for about 5+ hours) to try and salvage it, but that was a mistake. Absolutely grim.
0/5 destashing, this is not the ocean I'm looking for.
Chantilly cream: Fluffy Whipped Cream, Peach Nectar, Vanilla & Yellow Mandarin
SFB, fresh from mail: accidentally got on my finger tips. Very sweet and kinda baby powdery. Something about it was not right tho. Kinda rancid. Put it away immediately.
2+ weeks later SFB: baby powder.
Applied, wet: On skin, it's actually really lovely with the whipped cream and vanilla. The peach is incredibly mild. The whipped cream and vanilla are the most dominant notes right now. The peach nectar is very soft. 5 mins later: The peach nectar and whipped cream are now the strongest notes. The mandarin peaks its head up briefly from time to time. I do like it! It's not bad. But that's just it. I don't love it. Which I'm a bit disappointed at. This and Sea of Gray where my top two contenders. I do think the peach definitely benefits from the mandarin for some tartness because this is definitely a sweet perfume. It's soft and innocent and sometimes goes a bit powdery which I'm not mad at. However, this is not "me" by any means, and I think I might just prefer it without the whipped cream which just makes it too soft and dainty..it's smells like something preteens would wear, to me at least. No shade to anyone who loves it. I wish the mandarin was a bit stronger or the peach was less syrupy and more juicy. After a couple of hours it wears very close to the skin with mild projection.
low throw/medium longevity(5+hours)
3/5 destashing, I hated my preteens, thanks.
Island backstrap: Coconut, dark rum, pineapple, sugar cane, simple syrup, blackstrap molasses, caramelized sugar, oak barrels, tropical flowers, splash of sea spray, vetiver, tonka
After 1 week resting, applied wet: This smells EXACTLY like a bath and body works candle I've owned. Very vanilla and waxy. No pineapple to be seen. Smells exactly like the cafe latte b&bw candle even though there are no coffee notes bizarrely. It's not the coffee note I'm smelling, rather it's the same creamy and kinda Christmasy scent like the candle. Not a dark scent per say but definitely more of an autumnal scent and cozy weather vibes. It's just alright, I'm not impressed.
2+ weeks: Yup. Still very much the same scent as the b&bw candle/body spray. I will definitely be comparing this to the snickerdoodle candle when xmas rolls around for because honestly that's what I can swear I'm smelling, it's just so bizarrely similar. In the meantime I get the molasses, simple syrup, sugar cane and the caramelised sugar which all just reads as an uber sweet vanilla to me. The coconut is more nuanced and I don't get any pineapple, oak barrels or tropical flowers at the start. This is incredibly sweet and waxy and doesn't read as a summer scent at all for me. I had hoped for more pineapple.. It certainly doesn't come close to a pina colada either. After about 15 mins the coconut becomes more pronounced with the tiniest amount of tropical flowers if I inhale deep enough. I had these b&bw candles/diffusers and lotions in the past so it's a no from me. I may retest, later. Not optimistic, but I could be wrong. I hear SS does best after months.
medium throw/medium longevity
2/5 destashing, wish I picked another sample instead.
Spirit tree: Gardenia, Vanilla, Jasmine, Sandalwood, Soft Woods blend, Orange Blossom, Magnolia
After 2 weeks resting, applied, wet: True to notes. Opens with strong jasmine and sandalwood. Quite frankly, Idk what gardenia smells like but is obviously adding to the floral forward notes in the opening. Is a bit soapy to start off with and kinda baby powder-y too. This is also veryyyy strong so if you're not into that, beware, and boyyyy it stays strong for a good several hours, which was bomb dot com longevity.
Sadly though, it was only after the mellowing of the sandalwood and florals (after 8+ hours) is when I like it best; sweet and creamy floralesque vanilla. Seems to be a pattern here. Just give me the SS vanilla note pls. Don't get me wrong, I love how potent this is, but for me it needs the vanilla more upfront for me to completely love it. Right now, it's just a like.
2nd try, after a month, applied, wet: Spicey floral with the jasmine and sandalwood. It really does smell like expensive soap initially with a touch of baby powder (still). The baby powder becomes more pronounced, so about 5 mins in it's sandalwood and baby powder. There is a certain familiarity that I couldn't place the first time but now I know it reminds me of Sri Lanka because a lot of powders and soaps were sandalwood scented, and this smells like those. This is something I know my mom would wear for sure. After a few hours the sandalwood mellows out only a wee bit. It hasn't morphed yet to reveal the vanilla yet this time, after 8+ hours. I will come back to this just before destashing to see if the vanilla finally decides to join the party.
good throw/good longevity
3/5, most likely destashing as I don't want to prematurely turn into my mother.
Coquina: Sandalwood, Orange Blossom, Clementine EO, Beach Sand, Plumeria Absolute, Coconut, Ginger EO & a Splash of Seaspray
After 1 week resting, SFB: On cold sniff it smelt like a curry at first.
Applied, wet: This has a very spicey opening which reads as sandalwood incense forward with a bit of sweetness coming through, probably from the clementine and there are definitely some floral elements to it. Not sure what the sand element is supposed to smell like. Nothing notably coconut, salty or gingery yet. But I think the ginger and sandalwood gave it curry vibes out of the bottle. Becomes creamier 5+ mins in though but has no distinct note of coconut.
2nd try after 2 weeks,applied, wet: definitelyyyyy more creamy clementine forward now after the sandalwood spicey incense opening. I love the orange element. It's rounded out by a veryyyyyy subtle coconut initially, that gets sweeter and creamier after about 15 mins, think thick coconut milk. Not familiar with what the sand note is supposed to be so I don't believe I smell it-it doesn't seem to be like Sea of Gray's sand note- nor the ginger. But I appreciate how well blended it is. Smells like a heavier, spicier version of Lush's bucks fizz, whereas that one is bright and light and this some is sorta seductive and creamy, but still holding onto that citrus element, however this by no means is a dark scent at all. Holding on to hopes that the clementine comes out to play more.
medium throw/medium longevity
3/5, destashing, I want more clementines on my beach! Keep reading for the battle between coquina and heat of night.
Heat of night: Vanilla, Mango, Coconut, Orange, Sandalwood, Amber, Orange Blossom, Edge of the Night Base
After 2+ weeks resting, applied, wet: Fucking delicious fruity notes at the start. We get the orange and mango coursely blended with vanilla and coconut to start with, so we're really able to pick out the notes. Really juicy and mocktail-y. Now THIS was what I was after in Coquina. After about an hour and a bit it becomes creamy coconuty vanilla, but still maintains that juicy start. Interesting how on my wrist it transformed into this creamy goodness sooner, but on my arm is still juicy fruit about to burst, with the vanilla-coconut. I feel no need to retest this cause I fucking love it. Will be using it sparingly till I get a FS next year.
medium throw/good longevity (7-8hours)
5/5 will FS in the future! Drinks on me!
Coquina vs Heat of night
Applied, wet, This is the 3rd time trying Coquina and the 2nd time trying Heat of night after a month. Coquina still opens very spicey with sandalwood and what I can now identify as the orange blossom. On the dry down it starts getting sweeter and creamier with the sandalwood taking a backseat. Heat of Night the other hand is freshly juiced orange fruits, or like actually biting into them. A sweeter opening comparatively, and of course, no florals. It then mellows and tries to verge out kinda candle-y for a brief second, but luckily it doesn't. Coquina is the smokey/oriental and more floral of the two.
After dry down: Coquina then has that brief burst of clementine before it becomes creamy from the coconut. A few hours later I think the plumeria made it a touch soapy but luckily the coconut keeps it from going any further. I realize it's the mandarin note that made me think they had similarities. The salt note crops up at the very end and I'm not super keen on it, frankly because briefly, it goes slightly cat pissy/soap for a smidge. I do think it might be the salt/plumeria combo.. Half an hour after: phew, the pissy note is gone. I'm convinced it's the plumeria and salt note now. It really went a bit weird at the end when I didn't recognize what I was smelling, but now I'm getting coconutty salt-tinged skin. Thank god for the coconut. It salvages it at the end, but this does end up smelling like a slightly soapy aquatic at the very end stages, after roughly 8+ hours.
Heat of night also is so well blended. Idk what Edge of night smells like but I'm not really getting any of the notes I've read. After a few hours, it's less juicy but still smells really sweet and bright. The vanilla is more pronounced with the teeniest, tiniest smidge of sandalwood and oud, notes I'm incredibly familiar with. Fuck me, I am looooving the SS vanilla.
For you visual peeps: I would wear heat of night while on the beach drinking cocktails in the afternoon till sun set, lazily soaking up the warmth cause I don't wanna leave. When I say on the beach, I don't mean as an atmospheric or aquatic. I mean vibes, honey. This is just delicious, and evokes sexy holidays in the sun. As for Coquina, I'd wear it on a sexy date on the beach, after said sun has gone down. There is a tiny beach fire somewhere in the distance (the smokey sandalwood), we're on the edge of a jungle (plumeria/orange blossom), my partner is licking the salt off the back of my neck, knocking our previously half drunk afternoon cocktails into the sand. It's definitely an evening perfume for me. It feels darker because of the sandalwood. I associate spices like sandalwood with "darker" scents. But this is the sun has just gone down, not a gothic black midnight.
Sun warmed honey: Honey, Apricot, Strawberry, Chamomile, Ginger, Orange Blossom
After 2 weeks,applied, wet: smells like waxy gummy bears with a touch of floral. Not into it.No strawberry notes, I think what I'm reading as waxy candle is probably the chamomile/herbal element.
After dry down: it morphed from a strawberry gummy bear to smelling exactly like a tesco brand dupe of a Yankee candle melt I came across once that I really didn't like. The waxy element with the chamomile and the strawberry just make it quite gross for me. I will give it one more chance in a month or 2 but right now I don't wanna touch it again. It's very sweet, but it's just so artificial and waxy to me. I have beautiful arabic floral honey at home that I sniffed out the jar to compare it to my wrist, and I can say the honey note is pretty accurate and similiar to the honeys I own, but I'm so put off by the rest of the notes. Will come back and update in a month begrudgingly.
0/5 looking forward to destashing and am gutted I didn't get another sample over this.
Manor: Woody-Vanilla Musk, Vanilla, Agarwood, Sandalwood
SFB after 1 week: oud, wood and just general sweetness
After 2+ weeks, applied wet: Pretty much the same from the bottle. I'm very familiar with oud, being in this part of the world, so that is the most notable, well, note. 2nd is the wood which is all rounded out by the vanilla. This is a gorgeous scent however I'm annoyed at how thoroughly I tried to pick my scents but not this one. Not because it's not lovely (rave reviews be damned lol), but because I already have a couple of ouds that smell like this, or have this as the base. So it's sort of, I hate to say, generic. At least in this part of the world. I wish I picked up Black Forest. This is a pretty mild starter oud scent for those of you who want to dip your toes in. The throw is medium when applied initially, but it's been 3 hours and now it's wearing fairly close to the skin. Which is disappointing for me. The only thing that's changed are the wood notes, which are barely noticeable and it's now just a soft oud with a hint of vanilla. Not that it's not nice, I just expected it to stay stronger for longer.
Angela was right though that is does become sweeter but for me it's only marginally at this point. There is no morphing or deepening or any changes really with this, which isn't a bad thing. I just thought I'd point that it's quite linear. I do not get any sandalwood and I should clarify when I say with the vanilla, it's not the creamy vanilla that I got from Sea of gray, which was like a vanilla milkshake. This is woody vanilla, so it's more mature. The wood notes make me think mahogany. Especially because we had a lot of mahogany pieces of furniture back in Sri Lanka. If I had to give this a color it would be a light golden brown. After 8+hours it's very soft and I have to really inhale to get the last bits of the woody vanilla at this point. If I bought am FS, I would only get an Edp of it for maximum throw, but no shade, I'm happy to stick to my current oud perfumes. During a brief winter visit in the UK I once wore some of my stuff, and my coat still smelt of it 2 months later. If I'm paying for oud, that is what I expect.
medium throw at the start only/medium longevity (7+ hours)
2/5 destashing. Get this in edp format or if you're an oud novice.
TLDR: Out of my 7 perfumes (including Sea of Gray reviewed in another post) I've only had 2 hits. Which is fucking gutting for my first time purchasing from SS. I will probably be destashing all 6 samples -except Heat of Night- and my 5ml Gulf Breeze. Keep an eye out peeps in my part of the world.
I wish I tried Black Forest, Blackburn Farmstead, Cardamon Rose Sugar, Both Corvin's, Estate Vanilla, Heart of Night, Rose Custard Kulfi and Rose Mallow. Feel free to hit me up if you have any 5 of these samples and fancy a swapsie.
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2020.09.05 23:55 spacemonkster Sanford Cohen appreciation post
When I was a preteen I didn’t understand the qualities or red flags most of the male characters had in the show.
But as a grown adult you realize what’s important in a partner based on experiences.
During my rewatch this past week, I’ve come to realize what an incredible husband Sandy Cohen is. Sure he’s made a few mistakes (Rebecca debacle) but that aside, he’s the quintessential template of what you need in a partner.
He’s so incredibly supportive, loving, generous, and never ever gives up. Even when things get difficult for him with Kirsten .. he still fights for her love and always wants the best for her.
He’s a total gem.
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2020.09.04 06:37 Illuvial Replaying Kingdom Hearts has helped me reconnect with my childhood in the most intimate way imaginable
This is gonna be long but I selfishly feel the need to gush about my experience with revisiting KH1 over the past week or so.
I first played KH1 when I was 6, back in 2001. My parents divorced when I was a baby and I'd visit my dad on the weekends. He got a PS2 around the time of (but not for) birthday and kept it at his place. Amongst the sports games was a peculiar looking game, Kingdom Hearts. I had remembered seeing commercials for it and thinking it looked cool and my mom must have passed on the message to dad.
That first night I popped it in I was hooked. From the moment the I hit the title screen I had been hooked by Dearly Beloved and the all too relatable image of Sora prodding the ocean with that longing expression on his face. When I started a new game though I went from hooked to absolutely enthralled. I had played on his Dreamcast before so I was aware of what 128 bit systems could look like, but Kingdom Hearts made games like Sonic Adventure or Crazy Taxi look absolutely disgusting in comparison.
Fast forward to the game and I had never played anything so unique or smooth before. I'd spend hours exploring Destiny Island and battling the other kids for hours without progressing the story. The game did a wonderful job of establishing its childlike view of utopia and it had captured me perfectly. I'd soon get the strategy guide from the local Blockbuster after getting stuck at a couple early sections.
Over the next 7 or so years KH would become more and more of an obsession to the point that it would feel more like a lobe in my brain rather than a simple interest. I wrote fanfictions, crudely drew OCs. I dreamt KH, I lived KH and I was at my happiest when playing KH. In highschool though, I'd drift away from the franchise. Hard to say exactly why. Part of it was online gaming blowing up, part of it was a growing depression and isolation that would see me almost quit video games altogether for a year or so.
Regardless, my run with the franchise was kinda caput. I'm sparing many details of course and I did play Birth by Sleep in Sophomore year due to the PSP being my go-to system for /many/ years but the fact is that I drifted from KH hard. So hard that over the next 10 years I'd barely even think about KH let alone play any of the games, new or old.
Fast forward to last week, and I finally gave the series a chance again. It was available on Game Pass so I downloaded it and expected to have a fun trip down memory lane. I admit that having friends that were into KH made me jealous. I had drifted from the series and up until a couple years ago I had really known many current KH fans. Seeing them still be so in love with something I had unintentionally left behind had me wanting to revisit the series for some time, it just hasn't happened until now.
In any case, from the moment I watched the intro cutscene again I was absolutely floored. Instantly a rush of nostalgia hit me like a truck. Every step I took was a step I vividly remembered taking as a child, all those years ago. Every secret, every battle, every line of dialogue. Despite not having played KH1 in over a decade it was as if I was back in my old house, playing the game again as a child. The memories I'd recall of the game became so vivid that I'd start to recall where I was as a child, what I was thinking, what else I had done that day, how school had been that week etc etc
The thing about my childhood is that it was difficult for me. Childhood trauma coupled with supportive yet frustrated parents led to me feeling very distant and isolated. I lost my father a year after I'd first play KH, my mother would marry an abuser, and I responded by just sort of shutting down. I became dependent on the fiction I'd interact with, mainly video games. The world I lived in were the ones created by my PS2, my Xbox or my Gameboy.
The result of that trauma and isolation is that I've sort of lost my childhood, in many ways. Its so hard for me to recall events from being a kid. I'm constantly told stories by family or childhood friends that I simply have no recollection of from ages as late as 13/14. Its this bleak, blank space in my head where few memories reside and the ones that do exist are fuzzy and unpleasant to recall.
While replaying Kingdom Hearts 1 though, that has changed. I've been able to place and recall so many moments of being a kid/preteen. Entire days if not weeks of my life fill my head, memories both good and bad. Memories so vivid and lucid its as if I'm inside of a dream, spectating. In a literal sense, I've been able to recall childhood dreams, journal entries. Entire chapters of fanfiction have bubbled up and become embarrassingly easy to recall.
Not only have I simply adored every second I've spent playing this game and grinding out a 100% perfect save file, but I've also been able to reconnect and reconcile with some of the emotional burden I've carried with me for so long. I've opened up with my parents, partner and close friends in ways that I haven't been able to in years. I've discovered this newfound optimism and confidence in interacting with coworkers and family alike.
As silly or ridiculous as it may sound, Kingdom Hearts has helped me rediscover my past and contextualize that with my present. Suddenly I've been able to understand myself better and work towards overcoming mental blocks and personal anxieties.
Watching the ending cinematic for the first time in ages left me utterly helpless. The moment that Kairi and Sora are forced to let go, with Simple & Clean playing the moment their hands disconnect, left me an emotional wreck. Can't remember the last time I cried that much. Rewatching the secret movie and remembering just how off the wall excited I was to see that as a kid, remembering how I connected with my uncle through our shared love of JRPGs.
This entire experience has been so magical and I so eagerly look forward to replaying Chain of Memories and 2. Seeing as 2 was my favorite as a kid and the one I put the most time into, I have high hopes! I don't know if I'll make it through the entire series, but I'm so overjoyed to know that I'll always be able to enjoy at least the original forever. I'm even happier to understand and remember how important this series was to me as a kid and how its still helping me as an adult.
I don't expect anyone to read this essay, obviously, but I felt compelled to share and some friends encouraged me to write about what I've been experiencing, so here I am!
"Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all"
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2020.09.02 18:00 Russian-KGP-Agent Help
Hello strangers and internet friends. Please take 10 minutes to read my story and help me.
I am a very handsome young man who has never had an issue with women, the girls I’ve dated are beautiful women. I have also never had an challenge with being in public and talking to people. The reason I say this is to show that even the good looking guys who have it all, have these challenges too.
I started looking at porn when I was young, very young, and have been watching it until today. I’m 25 and I’ve been praying and trying to kick this habit, it has engulfed my life. Here’s my story:
The first pair of boobs I saw on the internet changed my life, I can’t remember how old I was but I wasn’t even in my teens yet. It was a rush and an excitement for women, a love and obsession of women, I literally cannot get enough of them. As I grew into my teens my interest for computers started developing, as well as my desire for women. I became very proficient with working on computers and with that skill comes the ability to “work around” parental controls. Coming from a large family having alone time wasn’t very common, so whenever I had alone time by the computer I would get around the parental controls and watching girls kiss on YouTube.
I remember being young and watching those videos, shooting blanks, then growing up and shooting FMJs. It wasn’t until I found the actual porn sites that my addiction started getting worse. In highschool I would come home and take a “nap”. I would take my brothers iPod touch and watch porn on it. I was very active in sports when I was in school, but now, as I reflect on my past while writing this post, my desire for sports and outdoor activities have significantly dwindled :( . All during Highschool I would come home, take a “nap” and jerk off, fall asleep then wake up for dinner with the family. JUST ABOUT EVERYDAY
All my years I don’t think I’ve ever been caught and I MUST to stop before I do. Fast forward to my twenties I am moved out and I have more time to myself so I watch porn. Not for 30 min or a hour, but for 2-7 hours. My addiction had turned into binge watching porn for hours on end. I would come home from work and sit in the shower jerking off to porn until the water turned cold. Then to my bed and jerk until 2 am, sleep, work and repeat. The women I’ve dated never knew of my affliction, I have been too ashamed to tell anyone. I have an amazing family who loves me so incredibly and I love them more than I can describe. But I am so ashamed and appalled to the thought of them even thinking I look at porn. So I never went to them for help.
Now it’s January 1st, 2020. I promised myself I will be done with porn this year. It’s September and I have gotten far worse. My “innocent” little secret has turned into binge watching porn for 3 plus hours and not only at home, but it has spilled into my work life too!!!! I don’t even answer phone calls from family members because I’m looking at porn!
Today in 2020 my days roughly go like this.
Wake up, go to work and watch porn (I have watched porn quite often while working!!), come home, and jerk off for another 6+ hours, (if the gf isn’t coming over) bust, and repeat. My addiction has turned into a life engulfing habit, my whole life revolves around porn and that’s almost all what I think about. Porn porn porn, I NEED help but I am to stubborn and prideful to tell someone I personally I need help.
So I’m asking you, strangers with like minded goals, internet friends who doesn’t know who the other person is on the other side but truly cares and will pray for another internet friend. Please be my accountability partner, please messaged me every day on reddit asking if I beat my meat. I need help, I’m BEGGING, I am crying for desperation, I am so amazing and wonderful and I know that. But I need your help, young or old, male or female, I need someone/anyone to hear me, to listen, to understand, my cries! I will be very successful in my life, I have a lot going for me. But this will DESTROY my life, relationships, my family, and it already has started!
I am at the bottom, I notice my faults and the damages porn has done. I can either wallow in my failures or I can look up and work to become better.
Thank you again all for listening to my story. I am posting this from my reddit porn account so that it will be a motivator. I would like an accountability partner that will message me everyday and I will do the same if they’d like.
I’m 25 and have been watching porn since I was a preteen. Today, I watch porn just about everyday for 3+ hours. I am hurt and looking, no, BEGGING for an accountability partner. Please hear my pleas and message me. I would like to start today.
I love you all,
-A random stranger on the internet.
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2020.09.02 02:18 throwaway_sorry_2020 How best to proceed?
Please let me apologize up front for making such a poorly organized post, I just don't know what to say or do. I think if I gave you a detailed account of a typical week in my life you would not know if you should mock me for being so naive as to put up with this bullshit or just feel sorry for me.
I do everything, she does nothing. This isn't an exaggeration. I know how often this comes up and it's actually the man not appreciating all the things the wife does. There is no household chore or familial responsibility that does not fall on me. My wife does not work, drive, cook, clean, or deal with anything remotely stressful or intense. She spends thousands - and I mean actual thousands, I have all the credit card bills - every month on frivolous crap. She has never worked or gone to school. She did not give anything up to have our two kids, she had no plan or career, and still does not and says she does not want to work. We've talked a dozen times now about the excessive spending and it always goes away for a few month and then comes back. I cry most nights because I just don't see a future other than spending the rest of my life working a job I dislike so she can continue doing whatever she feels like on a whim. I honestly don't even care if she cheats, if she said "what I really need is some young hunk and then I'd have some motivation to be something..." be my guest. I think you would be hard pressed to find someone as open-minded and flexible as I am in a relationship and all I can show for it seems to be an embarrassingly long stretch of being taken advantage of.
All I want is to feel like an equal partner, but I don't see any way that can ever happen.
I know that this is still on me for rushing in to the marriage and for letting this all happen over the years - but now, all I want to know is how can I get out of this and salvage what is left of my life?
I would prefer to have custody, but one thing my wife has done is make the kids adore her (they love me too, she just refuses to say 'no' to them for anything, and says they don't have to have any chores or responsibilities or anything like that... but she always shushes them and sends them away if they are feeling upset or seriously emotional, I'm the one who sits there and talks through the preteen angst and who read the bedtime stories and took them to the sports games she didn't even attend
I feel like if I try to leave I am going to get stuck with alimony and child support but she will move away (we moved far from our hometown, she would probably move back and she would make a fair argument that she has no support network here at all, despite this being her choice of location) and I won't even get to see my kids. How can divorce lawyers help in these situations? It feels like there's a lot of people fleeing physical or sexual abuse, which is just awful, and there's a lot of stuff about partners who took time away from a career to raise the family, but what about when the wife never had a career, never wanted one, didn't do the family stuff - in the most simplest sense, how does "here's her instagram feed and credit card bills" play out in court? Is it even worth trying to establish ... evidence, for lack of a better term, of the completely disproportionate lifestyles we're living?
You know speeding tickets? How people always want to argue that the radar thing was broken, but that's kind of an overused argument? I am worried about coming across as "one of those" but I am so serious, I work 10-12 hours every day, cook, clean, handle all the repairs, take care of the kids, all of it. I don't want to "get out" of paying the support, I genuinely feel like she has bled me dry over the years and the kids would be better with me, but even in a shared custody arrangement it seems like I will be paying her so much I won't even be able to afford an apartment with enough rooms for the kids.
Part of the problem here is that she spends so much money I can't even afford a lawyer although I could probably take out a loan..
Any advice? I also have a huge life insurance policy and there's a really high bridge not too far from here. If all I am going to be is a bank account for the rest of my life I might as well cut to the chase.
Thanks for reading this. It has been a long time coming. I've tried really hard to be there for my children and I am not perfect, I know reading this there's going to be plenty of "sure thing, yeah I bet there's two sides to that story" .. so I'll just add that the last time we talked about financial responsibility and life balance, my wife said this was the only time she was going to tell me this: if I tried to leave her she would tell the police I sexually assaulted her (I did not - it would be a lie, but it would create a mess)
When I read things such as "During a relationship, one person often spends more time looking after the home and the children. That person does not have a chance to earn a lot of money in the workforce, or to become more skilled and more highly paid in a trade or profession, or to pay into a pension plan over a long period of time." -- it seems like the court doesn't care if the person who stayed at home didn't do those things... I am screwed, aren't I?
submitted by throwaway_sorry_2020
to Divorce [link] [comments]
2020.08.29 19:05 R1leyEsc0bar I think my mom is/was abusive to me more than just physically
This is gonna be a long one. I'm posting here cause I'm sure someone can relate possibly.
I've always been close to my mom, she is probably my favorite person in the world but now that I have moved far away from her and with my dad I am starting to realize that maybe how I was raised was not healthy.
Just some quick background. Both my parents have been in my life however they were separated before I was even born. My mom had custody of me and I only saw my dad in some weekends and school breaks. I was never really around any other family members or even siblings, we were all alone in some random state so we were all we had.
Like many black families I'm sure I got spanked every now and then as a child, nothing major to me I don't even remember it. In middle school, like most kids I acted out a bit, mostly just lying about school, not doing chores, you know usual preteen BS we all go through right? But she made it her mission to beat me till my arms were swollen and blue. Many days I'd go to school when it's hot outside wearing sweaters to cover my arms, so much so it just became a habit that I wouldn't go out without wearing one. I remember one time I got lost at a field trip with a friend because I misunderstood her direction and she proceed to practically choke me from behind when she found us on our way back to the buses. I did change up how I was acting quickly and maybe was only hit once a year if that, all ending by sophomore year. Since then it's mostly been threats of beating me up over stupid worthless shit. There were times when she'd say she'd seriously injure me, threatening me with a heavy metal pole she had at one time. I absolutely know this was abuse.
What I'm unsure of is how she has treated me since I've graduated.
A few years ago she kicked me out, I wasn't doing chores didnt get a good enough part time job while I was in school, okay whatever. She took my phone and even told me I couldn't go to my own grandmother's house to stay while I figure out how to get to my dads house cross country. She didn't want me around anymore, but then people in her life started to die. Me being with my dad now and leaving her alone has made her depressed, and relatively quickly after I moved she started to ask me to come back cause I was all she had. Of course I didn't just repack all my bags and go back to her, I'm better off here afterall. But she always tries to guilt trip me into visiting her. Saying that she may die before I get the chance to see her again or say some other family members who she was around might die before I do, which has happened to my grandmother but she was in her 90s already.
One thing always rubbed me the wrong way. Whenever we argued and I tried to get her to hear my side of the story, it doesn't matter to her cause SHE is depressed and I'm always happy (which is far from the truth). After arguments if it's not resolved she will almost always bring up that she doesnt see a point in living and if she doesnt she will start randomly sending me information on what to do for when she dies. I know she's not suicidal cause she has told me she wouldn't do that to me, but then she does things like this. Not to mention my whole life saying that she doesn't expect to live long.
To me it feels like she wants me to do any and everything she says now just because if I don't she'll punish me by doing something to herself. Doesn't that sound like something a abusive partner would say? This has to be some sort of abuse I just dont know what and was hoping someone else could relate or have answers I'm not even seeing.
TLDR: Mom used to beat me, and now passively threatens her life whenever I do anything that upsets her.
submitted by R1leyEsc0bar
to blackladies [link] [comments]
2020.08.29 14:20 ThrowAW4127 AITA for not considering families finances
AITA for not considering my family's finances at dinner.
So for forever my family goes to the club for dinner on Tuesday night. I have 3 steps sisters plus their children and partner's, 1 biological sister as well a her husband and 2 boys and my mother and step father. I have 2 girls (12, 10) plus my husband. Due to covid we stopped the family dinners and a few days ago was our first since March.
My husband and I have always been the most financially stable and were not hit at all by covid. In comparison all my sister's families have been and my mum just had a brain aneurysm so her money is tight as well. The reason I'm unsure if I may be an AH is this ... Dinner is ordered by going to the counter and ordering from the display of hot food. On Tuesday kids eat free but they only get a choice of either nuggets and chips or spaghetti. My daughter's didn't want either and asked for lasagna and beef stroganoff, respectively, which I purchased for them. When everyone is back at the table my siblings children all noticed mine did not have the free meals and it was ON. They complained the whole way through dinner, my bio sisters youngest refused to eat his nuggets and my eldest was having an hour long argument with my step sister's daughter which ended in my neice pouring her glass of soda over my daughter. This broke dinner up completely we said tense goodbyes and left. Since then my sister's have made it clear they believe my husband and I were floughting our money by purchasing our children meals when free ones were available and my mum has told me I should skip the next few dinners. To make it worse my daughter continue the argument w her cousin via text where she said "it's not my fault you're poor". I immediately punished her for that but the situation is exploding.
Did I do the wrong thing? At the time I didn't really think buying my daughters meals was even noteworthy but my sisters are saying I should have thought about their children and how they felt. Obviously if this situation ever arises again I will say no to my daughters but I don't think this makes me a bad person. I would have gladly paid for my nieces and nephews meals if I knew they wanted something else and I did offer to buy everyone dessert.
Update: Thankyou to everyone who responded. I really appreciate the support however I feel it only right to set the record straight on a few matters.
First, my sister's did not say anything in front of the children, the children sit at a separate table. The problem was how uncontrollable the situation at that table became. My sister's tried everything to deescalate the situation but sometimes preteen girls just want to argue.
Second, my sisters are not 'poor' they have had a sudden downturn that has eliminate nearly all luxuries they and their children previously enjoyed which as anyone who has suddenly found themselves living on half an income knows is insanely stressful. I believe that stress is being picked up by their children which is how the situation grew in magnitude.
Third, I do believe some fore thought would have been appropriate on my part. I did know my family was struggling and that they had given up a lot lately. I love my family very much and I wasn't thinking about the pressures they are now feeling and how that changes a person's reaction.
Finally, yes I know my daughter was an AH. That is why she no longer has a phone or an allowance. She will get it back only when she learns courtesy and respectful communication. Also her cousin (the one with the drink) was also appropriately punished. Pre teen girls have a hole bunch of attitude and nothing to back it up.
submitted by ThrowAW4127
to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]
2020.08.28 00:16 DaniNichole171 My mother is a walking bingo board and she’s driving me crazy!
It seems like I’ve been getting bingos my whole life, from my whole family. I decided I didn’t want children when I was about nine when my little brother was born. My mom roped me in to baby care. I HATED it. Her friends gushed in the weirdest way and said I must be so excited because ‘little girls love babies’. I did not. I thought the baby was ugly, loud and alternating between dead boring and horribly annoying. I compared him to a potato, an alien and got slapped for saying ‘it’ rather than him. At one point I said, “I am never having a baby”. My mother proceeded to tell me how magical pregnancy was and how you weren’t truly a woman without it. I found it disgusting and wanted to throw up. She said I’d change my mind. Eye roll. Over the next several years I was met with Such problematic statement as: You’ll change your mind when you fall in love. (My partner and I live together and have talked about eventually buying a house together) You’re too young to know You’re selfish, think about all the rest of our family who deserves grand babies, nieces and nephews. You’re not doing your duty to god (wonder why I’m an atheist now) It’s a woman’s place, you’ll never be fulfilled. When are you and your partner going to give me grandkids? A woman should lose her right to vote at 50 if she has no children because she has no stake in the world’s future. ( Geez, you can be a good citizen without kids bc you’re part of a society! And uh...Trump has kids and he’s an asshole.) Every woman should dream of motherhood, it’s the most wonderful experience. It’s unnatural for a woman to not want children. You’re wasting your peak reproductive years partying. You shouldn’t study abroad in South America because if you get Zika, you can’t have babies....you’ll change your mind about it and be heartbroken. (I went, I got Zika, I don’t care, I’m learning Spanish and want to teach English abroad in Central America.) You’re a beautiful young lady, you’re kids would be beautiful. You’ll become a crazy cat lady (Yes mom, I want six, all black too. I’d make a great witch) You’ll get baby fever one day. Eye roll But you love kids...(correction I love my preteen and teenage future citizens. I love their ideas and their questions. I love teaching and making teens think as I prepare them to vote. And I love history and sharing it with whoever will listen.) Your students will never be your own. (Yep, how I like it) You don’t know love until you have kids. Alternating “you’d be a great mom” and “geez, you have the maternal instincts of a lizard”. You’ll be lonely when you’re old. (Nope, I’ll be volunteering at a museum) God gave you a Vagina and a uterus for a reason and it’s not to live in sin. Anyone else have an obnoxious bingo board in their life?? How do you shut them up??
submitted by DaniNichole171
to childfree [link] [comments]
2020.08.25 00:18 _view-source "Not female."
| || |
So this is something I wrote up and am thinking of posting on my personal Facebook page, but I guess I just wanted to post it anonymously to other trans people first, to... I guess get a feel of posting it, and to get feedback and validation? submitted by _view-source to trans [link] [comments]
I will put a Trigger Warning, because there's a sentence where I mention weight and body measurements. I also want to mention, that the invalidations I feel about myself, are not invalidations that I feel towards other people, and is not my intention to put down others who are struggling like myself.
There's something that I've kept buried down to the rest of the world for my entire adolescent and adult life, and to explain it, I have to go back to my preteens.
When I started middle school, I felt there was something different between other girls and myself, but I didn't know what it was. I began to have an attraction towards my female best friend, like I had attraction towards boys (which, that friend thought I was disgusting when I came out to her and she stopped hanging out with me, killing any confidence to express romantic feelings towards a girl, until my mid 20's). I felt, "Maybe this is why I feel different from other females, because I'm bisexual." I felt like a pervert in locker rooms because of this, and I would always try to get the corner locker and face away from them when I would be getting dressed. Then, at some point, I remember making little short online "profile" images for forums, and when I would list gendesex, I would write it as, "feMALE." In high school, I started to make closer friendships with men, because I felt like I fit more in with them.
I had a friend in my last year of high school, he and I almost had sibling banter with each other. We worked together in IT-special projects, and we sat next to each other in our special ed class. There would be times our teachers would split us up because together, we were just a couple of goofballs and wouldn't get any work done, if not distracting the rest of the class. There was one time, when he was with a group of his friends during our IT class, and the teacher was playing the first Transformers movie that came out in the late 2000's with Megan Fox in it. They were all talking amongst each other about how hot Megan Fox was, and I just blurted out, "Eh, I'm not too much into Megan Fox, but Olivia Wilde, she's HOT," and his group of friends whipped around and said, "Who is this girl??" and my friend replied, "Oh Tera? She's like a dude in a chick's body!" and that sentence resonated in me. Around that same time, I had an online friend who came out as FTM (female to male) transgender and started hormone replacement treatment, and then I watched a documentary about transgender people and their journey of transitioning. I was 18 at this time, and I felt, "Maybe this is what I've been feeling."
But, the confusing part was: In high school, I dressed (horribly) like a "cyber goth", wore push-up bras, wore skirts, corsets and knee high boots and I also wore eye shadow and eye liner religiously. Then through my early 20's I dressed very Stevie Nicks, bohemian hippie like, and in the most recent years, I went back to my "goth" roots and started to wear black, or black and white striped dresses, though, I haven't worn makeup in nearly 10 years (I don't even remember how to put on makeup anymore lol). [TW] The reason for dresses the recent years, was because I felt uncomfortable with my body shape, being 5'0" and 170lbs in size 16 pants, and dresses hid my imperfections that made me so uncomfortable. [/TW] Because of this, I never thought anyone would believe me, that I didn't feel female, and would think that they would think I'm just jumping onto the transgender bandwagon. I also never came out to family as not being straight, for the same reason, because they had only seen me with males, so that would also be seen as that I was jumping into the LGBT bandwagon that was happening at the time I was in high school, and now that I'm 30, how could they believe that all this time, I felt attraction towards women?
The other confusing part, was that I didn't know exactly how I felt, because I still liked to dress in dresses, I still feel comfortable with my upper half female body (when I'm wearing no bra, or wearing a bralette or sports bra) and my female body shape. I am also very passive, which is usually a feminine trait. Calling myself straight up, "male" felt uncomfortable as well, and to this day, I am still unsure of why that is. I like "they/them", and I liked the label "gender neutral", but that's not something that the majority of the population could understand. I couldn't describe how I felt other than, "I am not female," so even to myself, I've spent 12 years in confusion when it came to how I felt about myself. And also, what would I be to my brother's children? What would I be to my Aunts and Uncles? My own nieces and nephews. What would they call me? My parents, my brother, and my grandparents are a little bit easier, "child", "sibling", and "grandchild" and my romantic partners could just call me their "partner." Could I just be "Tera" to everyone? And there's another thing, "Tera" is a very feminine name, but the meaning of that name feels so fitting to myself, in a spiritual matter, and I would never want to change it. Being called "she/her" never bothered me, because I didn't connect it with being female, I just connected it with how people address me.
It just felt easier, if I just stayed in the closet. Let everyone use the female pronouns for me. And what would happen if I did change my mind later on in life, then, everyone in my life could point and say, "see, I told you so." I thought that I could live my whole life this way, being in the closet about how I felt, because what did it matter that I wasn't out? While living in 800 miles away from my home town, I stopped shaving my armpits, stopped shaving my legs while it was shorts season, and my body hair felt empowering, and is my way of expressing my gender identity, and I thought this was enough. I was okay with this, until somewhere in the last two or three years. Having to do paperwork and check mark the "female" box started to ware on me, and I feel a weight fall down on me every time someone calls me, "female", "girl", "woman", "lady", "miss", "ma'am", "aunt".
This recent move to another state, and having to fill out paperwork for change of residence, change all my medical paperwork, checking "female" eats me whole and literally makes me cry. Sometimes I just don't even check it and skip it. I still felt, feel, like I don't know how to come out, because I am still stuck with not knowing how I feel, other than, "I am not female." I recently saw the term, "transmasculine", and I feel that fits the most, but I am also unsure if I would want to go through doing hormone replacement therapy (HRT) , so can I really call myself, "transgender"? Also, that the stories I heard from people who are transgender, talk about how they've known since they were a child that they were trans, and I never noticed my body, or thought about gender until I was in middle school, so again, even more confusion.
I felt so invalidated about my gender identity, because, I couldn't see myself calling myself with traditional male pronouns or a male name and I couldn't just put a pin down on how I felt... Until recently. I saw an Eddie Izzard interview about him being transgender (transvestite as he calls it), and talks about how he feels he "has both male and female genetics," and when he came out in 1985, it was because he felt like he was living a lie not talking about it. Finally, I feel validated, seeing one of my early idols talking about their gender identity, saying he feels like a woman, but still being okay with using male pronouns. And hearing his response to the question, "Why is it important for you to come out?" being, "Because it was a lie not to talk about it, not being honest, and I wanted to express myself."
So, I'm done being in the closet. I'm done living the lie of a life being "female.
2020.08.20 04:00 burner__reddit I want to move past this
I’m just so sad. My insides ache everyday and some days it’s just so heavy I can’t manage the weight of it all.
I lost my baby cousin to suicide 1 year ago. I’m sad he felt he had no other choice and my heart aches for him so much. My heart hurts for his brother and sister. It hurts for my aunt and uncle. I grew up very close with my cousin and it’s painful knowing he won’t ever live a life. 24 years old, not enough time on this earth.
My heart hurts for my aunt who was also taken by suicide 1.5 years ago. It hurts knowing she was so bright and vivid and she was suffering for so so long. My heart hurts for my uncle who I know is and has been lonely for so long. Who must move forward and raise his children. And for her children, my cousins, my heart is so so heavy for them. They found their mom, and my heart aches for them. They are just preteens and need their mommy. I just see how much they’ve had to change to protect themselves this year, and while I’m so so proud of them everyday, I hurt knowing how much they hurt.
My heart hurts for my godmother and cousins. My godfather died very quickly of cancer 2 years ago and they have been suffering. I worry so much for them. My cousin is not doing well and I am so scared for her.
My heart hurts for the relationship I had to leave in February. I am so disappointed my partner let me down. I am so sad he was unable to support me through this. This one sounds so stupid but I really thought this was it for me. I want to have a family, I enjoy being in a partnership but I am grieving this and everything else alone.
I am sad for my body. Between birth controls, medications, disordered eating, I’ve put on 100lbs+ in a year. I don’t feel like myself and everything hurts. I miss myself.
I am sad I can’t find motivation to do well at work. All of this has changed everything and I have a hard time caring about a lot of things, including work. I fear losing my job everyday yet can’t find the motivation to do anything.
I’m mad at the man I’ve been spending time with. I’m mad he let me open my heart to him and he held it, but then backed away when things became too real.
I’m miss my dog. I love her so so much and I hurt knowing that my ex will to keep her full time in the future. I cherish the time I have her, but my heart aches as I become more and more attached to her knowing my heart will be ripped from my chest again.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Can’t unload this kinda shit on friends and family .
submitted by burner__reddit
to offmychest [link] [comments]
2020.08.17 16:36 thatgirl_laflamme On the cusp of 30, trying to kickstart this whole dating thing. Any advice?
I’m (29F) a single mom, relatively new to dating after a 10yr relationship and have no idea where/how to start. I’ve been single for just under 2yrs. No luck so far getting the dating train rolling, though I have spent the bulk of this time working on myself - therapy; healthier eating; building my career; focusing on becoming a better parent - and killing it, if I do say so myself; developing new hobbies; starting my businesses; rebuilding connections with the people I was isolated from and making some new connections; healing from all of the trauma of the relationship; finding myself, as it were. Travel was next but...Coronavirus. I’m at a place where I’m a lot happier with myself and my life than I was when the breakup was fresh, and I finally feel like I’m properly ready to get out and meet new people, date, and see what comes of it. The question is...how?
I’ve been on Tinder and Bumble since early last year but haven’t really matched with anyone I’ve meshed with. I’ve had a couple of hookups and decided that hookups aren’t really my thing. I guess what I’m having trouble with is conversion from matches to actual dates.
I’m at somewhat of an overall disadvantage - the whole LTR thing means I’ve never really gotten to practice flirting or whatever because I didn’t really have to with the partner I had. Up until last year, I had only had the 1 sexual partner since my teens, so that layer is intimidating. I eat pretty healthily but I’m on the bigger side of average sized. I have a child - though, to be fair, he’s a preteen now. I’m not looking for a “new daddy” for my kid, a husband, a piggy bank/sugar daddy. I’ve felt so far like the whole single mom piece has been a bit of an issue (I don’t mention my son’s age on my profiles, just his existence; and only get into his age if I’m asked) and I’m not really coming across any single dads that I would consider.
Ultimately, I really just want to date casually, at the end of the day. I’m not burning for another LTR, but it would be nice to explore a new romantic connection. Though I’d like to eventually have more kids, and I’m not at a point where I would consider doing so on my own; I’m no longer in a rush to meet some arbitrary childbearing deadline.
I like to say I just want to leave my house periodically with someone(s) I get along with, whose company I enjoy, and who I don’t hate to look at.
I’d love some perspective from both people who have had similar experiences, as well as men specifically for the willingness-to-date-a-single-parent piece (Is it really a dealbreaker?)!
submitted by thatgirl_laflamme
to dating [link] [comments]
2020.08.17 08:18 eriskegal On crying...
Why is it so frowned upon to "make someone cry"? I'm trying to parse what it is that makes it the fault of the person talking to the crier that the crier cries.
In my family, my mom has always cried. At everything. Any sort of emotional trigger and she's right there. Commercials. Hallmark cards. She cries a lot. She says she can't help it; and honestly, I get that. I'm the same way. I had to explain a slightly weird interpersonal mistake I made at work today, and that made me cry a little even though it was only through email/IM.
As such, I'm a bit desensitized to people crying near me. I read a lot of Reddit Am I the Asshole posts, and frequently someone feels justified and righteous in their actions... right up until the other person in the situation cries. Then it's "Wait... Did I mess up?" Chances are, no, no you did not.
I figure if I put this out in the world it may get a lot of backlash from criers. I should know; I'm one myself. Any time I have a face to face confrontation of any kind, I can almost guarantee there will be tears in my eyes, sometimes overflowing dramatically. This is not to say that I'm sad. This is not to say that I'm weak, either, really.
The fact of the matter is, if you cry, you should be treated normally; as if it weren't happening.
A book I read when I was a young preteen (Jinx by Margaret Wild, that I read to find this quote and cried the entire way through to find this excerpt when it wasn't even there [god damn, this is an awesome, super brutal, and melodramatic teen poetry book]) put it this way: ...Okay so I thought it was Jinx, but it's not in that book; I just read it cover to cover, cried a lot, and couldn't find the quote I was looking for. If anyone recognizes this PLEASE let me know but, paraphrasing, it was something like "You know, people don't cry because we're sad. We cry because we're overwhelmed. Whether we're overwhelmed with sadness, frustration, anxiety, anger, or shame, we cry because we are overwhelmed with the volume of the emotion we are experiencing." Maybe it was Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants...
Again, I'd like to reiterate: if you are crying, the other party/ies involved in the conversation should continue to treat you as if you were not crying. That's the best possible reaction to a behaviour that is inherently counterproductive to finding a solution for everyone involved.
An ex of mine taught me this, and firmly. I was coming out of the most mutually emotionally abusive relationship I have been in before or since, and the next person I fell in love with changed my path in life. I loved them so much. They taught me an impressive amount of things about being a tolerable, decent human being. "I'll get it this time, you get it next time." That was them. "Actions over words: show me, don't tell me." That was them. "Everything has a home," was something they said in one of their dreams they told me about in relation to tidying up a living space. All of this was them, and as mundane as these minute pieces of advice sound, they are, in turn, minute pieces of the things that make me who I am today.
Another thing they told me was that when we were arguing, if I cried, they felt deeply for me, but they were not going to treat me any differently or drop the subject simply BECAUSE I was crying. I was instantly offended. "I just cry! I can't help it!! It's not my fault!" I exclaimed, indignant. They kindly and gently affirmed that they were completely fine with my crying and wouldn't think one iota less of me for doing it, but that they also wouldn't avoid a subject of conversation solely because it "made me cry." I still, to this day, really take issue with that sort of phrasing. "They made me cry!" or "They made me feel bad :("
No one can MAKE you do anything. You're an adult. You don't have to do shit. -- Also from the gospel of my cool ex.
(By the way, most of the time with that sort of thing, it would be when they would do something nice for me like buy me a flower in a tiny swan shaped blown glass vase and I would say "You didn't have to do that!" And they would exaggeratedly turn their nose up in the air and say "I don't have to do shit! I'm an ADULT!")
They also tentatively mentioned that (and this is probably where I will get crucified) many humans use crying as a kill-switch to a conversation. They told me (paraphrasing again here, and it's been years) "whether it's your intention or not, crying really puts a damper on any further discussion of a problem. It should be both of us working together on an issue, not me trying to wrangle you into cooperating with me enough to move forward." They told me that they felt that some people, consciously or unconsciously, use crying as a manipulation tactic because despite them not doing it maliciously, it always tends to yield favourable results when it rears its head in interpersonal conflicts.
So our agreement about our disagreements was that I could cry however much I wanted or needed to, but we would still talk through the issue. I see so often on advice subreddits questions about having an argument/discussion with an SO and then the SO starts crying during the argument/discussion and the OP completely backs off and doesn't bring up the problem again, but then later they are shocked when nothing changes.
As a confrontational crier in relationships since even before the above referenced shitty abusive one, I've felt that I had to blatantly express to any subsequent partners that they should continue to engage in discussions with me even if I cry. It has made me stronger and more resilient. I now know from experience that I can cry and yet still carry on a conversation.
Frankly, no one will ever write a Reddit post about me where I make a mistake then start crying to get out of consequences. I am all in with accountability at this point. Yes, my eyes will be streaming, and my nose will be running, and I'll probably look and sound quite gross, but we WILL solve this problem and we WILL do it together goddammit! No one can MAKE me cry.
I do cry as a reaction to circumstances surrounding me, but no one is obligated to give me special treatment due to my overt expression of being overwhelmed. Ultimately, even if I can't control the initial action, I can control MY reaction to my body's action. I regularly remove myself from situations, cry for a while, and then rehearse alone until I can handle confronting someone about something. No one should expect to get a get out of jail free card for leaking salt water out of their face.
submitted by eriskegal
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2020.08.15 18:30 Wrentastic Poly moratorium
My husband and I were poly before we met, and have had to enact a moratorium on all secondary relationships due to his ongoing custody battle. My kids are adults, my ex is aware and fine, but my husband’s ex is nasty and vindictive. We’re back in court for custody of his preteen son due to behavior by the ex wife and her family and, because of where we live, we have to be very careful about morality clauses and perceptions in court.
I’m just so frustrated. I know my husband misses his former partners, and this has shed some light on the fact that a few were just using him and had no interest in any type of supportive relationship. Only one ever reaches out to him and that’s so that he can mediate for her, she never truly checks in on him, even as a friend. He’s done some stupid things, like messaging people and treading the line between opening up the possibility of a future meeting, and I know that it’s because he’s rebelling against his ex having control over him and his life and relationships (backstory: she was abusive, his son is a product of her sexually assaulting him, and he navigates it all fairly well until she starts controlling him). We have one dear friend that is a FWB for him, but that’s all it will ever be for various reasons. It’s not the same as having a relationship, so it doesn’t really scratch that itch.
I’ve been able to maintain my other partners as just friends, because I’m always up front and honest about how things will change if certain situations present themselves. But having to watch what I say and do feels so much like when I was forced to be closeted about my sexuality.
Overall, I’m just frustrated and angry. I hate this and want to move forward with my life without his ex hanging over my shoulder. I also feel like I’m the only one being responsible and I’m getting tired.
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2020.08.12 03:37 dylans_nut My sex life
What qualifies as a good life? Money, fame, sex? A lot of people want fame and with fame comes money and sex. All I really want in life is a healthy sex relationsip. I've had hookups throughout highschool before locking down a relationship senior year. The thing that upsets me isnt just about lack of sex. It goes deeper into the spiral of my life at the moment.
It started when I was born. Sounds weird, I know, but just hear me out. A result of two parents who you can say were sex addicts and techinally still are, both their parents are still having sex at 70 and 80 years old. Takes talent to still be having sex at that age. Now i'm not saying that its bad to be addicted to sex. It's natural to have sex. Animals with less IQ than Kim Kardashian have sex. It makes you feel good. Its great to have a healthy sex life. Studies, or so they say, prove having a healthy sex life benefits life greatly. But what happens with a dull or non sex life?
This is my sex life. Around 3 years old I believe at a wrestling match with my family, I was caught with my pants down humping a girl. I know some females who would hump their pillow due to the pleasure they felt. But for me it was more than humping an object. I was born with a high sex drive which has brought me some bad and good relationships. At 8 years old my mother babysit other kids and my genius idea was to steal her porn dvds and go down to my playroom/ basement and watch them on a portable dvd player. I had a neat little playroom down my basement with an air hockey table and a couple game systems. Me and the girls would watch these videos and perform the same acts as the porn stars would do. Some of the stuff was licking other parts of the body. If you don't understand what I mean, I “ate ass” at 8-10 years old. I had a very fucked up childhood that involved sex. If you don't believe that this all happened, I can understand due to the craziness involved.
Now let's get to early middle school. Around 5th grade I got into one of my longest relationships. Lets call her T. T was 2 years older, but in the same grade due to moving to different schools or something. We had a long relationship that lasted around 2 years. At the time I was around 12 and hormones were raging even more than an average preteen boy. I made sex toys out of many items I saw on the internet. Many years with the homemade ones. My mother decided to get me one for Christmas one year. Like I said, I had a crazy sex craved family. Back to the story, little parts of memory come flooding in about me trying to have sex with T. We got to a point where I was able to stick it in. But that was it. Nothing too crazy but have a reminder in your head to remember this girl. In the late years of middle school, I met a girl, we’ll call D, who was not just crazy but to this day still has feelings for me. We started to hit it off at my friends house. His brother wanted to get with her, but she decided to choose me. This was back when the song YG My Nigga came out. So 2013 I started to date this crazy bitch. We were dating for a couple months before I smooth talked her into having sex. But we started off with clothes on and just barely getting the tip in. But it was a start. Once she got more comfortable, my first time will always be memorable. Horny ass teenager finally gets to have sex and one pumps it. I was pissed at the time. But that didn't stop me from wiping off and going back in. That day, we had sex nearly 14 times. Yes I eventually shot blanks. But it felt so good I didn't want to stop. The reason I believe she was so clung to me through the years, was due to me breaking all the virginity holes I could go in. Anytime she came over, we had sex at least 3 to 4 times a day. Since it was summer, everyday was sex after sex. It was amazing. My “perfect relationship” was there at that moment. It didn't come to me years later that I was glad I cut ties with her. We broke up constantly.
Now I don't remember how many times we broke up, but it was a lot. The first time we broke up, I met a girl that was known for having sex before, unlike my last relationships. We hit it off for only a couple months but had alot of sex throughout the relationship. One of the relationships I only wanted sex from. Nothing about her was great. Eventually we broke up and I passed her to my friend who stayed with her for a good amount of time until she went off the deep end and had over 50 sex partners, I was in the top 5. I personally don't care about how many bodies a person has.. Aka sexual partners. Once we broke up, I went right back to D. Id like to tell the names, but as crazy as this life story is, anyone who has been friends with me for more than 5 months know my sex life. But throughout the years with D, we had so much sex. Anal, oral, everything. I don't fully remember all the details and some of these stories might not be in order but it doesn't matter. Anyways, one night on Instagram, I got a dm from some fat chick. I checked her profile out and she followed and was followed by D. Well call her K. Eventually me and K got into talking and decided to make plans to fuck. At the time I was too young to drive and had my dad drop me off. At her house we kept messing around and I figured D set me up and was trying to see if I would have sex with her. I figured she was just blue balling me since she was friends with D. But she asked to see “it” . So I pulled it out and she looked at it like it was a large big mac meal. Now I don't know if anyone else knows about fat chicks, But they dont get dick often but when they do they'll suck your soul out. She asked if she could suck it acting like I would say no. After that I put a condom on and went in. Just as I thought things were going great, she complained that I was “too big”. Come on, I'm a 16 year old short skinny boy. But after some time she wanted to try again. This time I wasn't playing and went in raw. I'll be honest, this wasn't the first time I didn't use a condom. My whole life, I hit raw more times then Bill Cosby gave women his puddin pops. After going raw, I could barely hold myself up due to her being so big. She looked like the blueberry chick from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. I didn't care at the time, I was getting my dick wet and the pussy was great. After finally busting a load after hours of teasing, it went everywhere. Her sheets, pillow, blankets were drenched in my load, Perfect time for my dad to call me and say he's here to pick me up. Great, got laid and busted a nut just in time. I left there leaving her to clean up the mess and thanked her mom for letting me come over. After that hookup, I got a text from D saying I was fucked up for having sex with K. I didn't care at all. But D came back for more and we got into a relationship again. After finally being done with her shit I broke it off and a little while later dated a girl I found off of instagram. Personally I wanted to date her friend. Her friend was mixed and had a nice body. Since I met this girl instead we got into a relationship eventually and had sex alot. Almost everyday was filled with sex. Until I was very depressed with the relationship throughout the couple of months. I won't get into too many details. My friend M, who has been my friend since middle school saw how down my attitude was during the last couple of months during our relationship. Until I finally got the balls to break up with her. After breaking up with her, I relapsed with D. I don't know what it was but she always was down to fuck. I had her wrapped around my finger. Once I got out of the relationship D was there and we fucked in my car on the hottest day of the season with no air conditioning in my car. She was on birth control and so was the previous girl. The whole time I was just dumping loads inside them throughout the months. Not cheating, I was cheated on once by D but didn’t think cheating was a good thing to do. Glad I never had a kid with one of them. I don't think I would be able to deal with them.
Onto the next sex partner, well kind of two in this situation. Another friend of D’s. Well technically they weren't really friends but knew each other. This girl's name is N. Me and N talked and skyped a lot. Eventually I got to a point where me and her fucked. My persuasion was insane through the years of sexual partners. I said the right words and knew how to get them in bed with me. But N was a squirter. First squirter of the partners I had. Now in this part of life, D was still trying to get back with me. N and I fucked only a handful of times but it got interesting one day.
As I was chilling at home, I invited N over and fucked her raw. After the session she had to go home so I dropped her off and was relaxing at home when I got a dm from some black chick on Instagram. I decided what the hell and brought her over to my house since she wanted to chill. Now I did talk to her before on multiple occasions but I didn't think we would ever hang out. Although she wanted to hang out. Once we were at my house, we talked about what to do. She was giving me hints of wanting to fuck. Thinking in my head that I just had sex a couple hours earlier from N, I decided to have sex with her as well. I hit raw again and she was a virgin as well. Once we got done we chilled a little bit longer than she had to go home. I was eating dinner and was thinking of what had happened. Not expecting anyone to come over, I went up to bed to relax and play video games before going to bed, and my phone vibrated. It was a text from D saying, “Can we hangout”. At this point, hanging out with her meant fucking. Thinking to myself, this might be the way I finally get rid of her by telling her later on, what had happened that day. So I decided to pick her up and drive around to find a spot. She deepthroated my dick,then I fucked her raw and she swallowed my load. Dropped her off and went home since curfew was at 10pm. Holy Shit. Standing in the shower realizing what had happened that day was outright fucking insane. Never had I ever thought I would even have two different sex partners in one day, let alone 3! I told all my friends and eventually told D once I realized how toxic she was. Nothing was great about her. Sex and crazy do not go well together. She was toxic. That finally got rid of her for a while after telling her she basically got sloppy thirds. Not seconds, but thirds. She asked N if she had fucked me that night and N confirmed I fucked her.
After all that I ended up getting the nickname Triple D. Dirty Dick D. All my friends knew I hit raw on a daily basis. Once that fun time was over in my life, N moved back to Florida and the girl from instagram was just a one night stand, I decided I was out of partners to fuck. Other than D but at that point, I didn't want to deal with her toxic ass back in my life. I started talking to T again. We were always civil after the relationship since our families knew each other and decided to catch up. We started hanging out a lot more and I put on my moves to get into pound town with her. Eventually it worked and we had great sex. Only thing was, she was fucking annoying. The sex was great but god damn, why do these girls that have a great sex life, have shitty personallities. Anyway we had sex a couple more times and parted ways after that. Rereading this story has made me realize I've missed an important story. This was between one of the breakups with D. Her name is Tif. We already used T so i'll just use Tif. She was my friend R’s step sister. I was talking to her for a little bit until I asked R for a condom to fuck her with. He was upset but gave me one anyway. It was summer and we didn't have school. So I invited her over and started to play GTA V. Still a great game to this day. I handed here the controller and while she was playing, she slowly started grinding her ass in my dick. Tight jeans with a tight ass. I remember getting butterflies because of how nice her ass was. Once I started grabbing her ass, she turned around and said,” do you want them off?”. I was ready to fuck her. We started making out and rubbing up on eachother until I heard my dad open the front door and call my name from downstairs. “Fuck he’s home for lunch”. Tifs jeans were so fucking tight that she couldnt get them on in time. So I did the next best thing. I told her to hide in my closet until I got him to leave. My dad always asks the stupidest shit, I don't remember what he said, but it was something that could have waited. Once he left to go back to work, we continued where we left off. I pulled down her pants and started to finger her. Holy shit she was tight. She was skinny as shit too. If you put a little bit of pressure on your finger that's how tight she was. So I put the condom on and tried to get it in. My dick would physically not fit. I pulled off the condom and tried to go in raw. My dick still wouldn't fit. At the time I didn't have lube or didn't think of trying to spit on it a little more. She couldn't do it so she said she can give me head. So I layed back and got a fucking toothy fucking blowjob. So I asked her if I could fuck her in the ass. She declined and said maybe next time. Oh well, but she said she had to go to the bathroom and was in there for a pretty long time. She had to go so as I walked out of my bedroom, the bathroom was right next me. It stunk like shit. Something crawled up there and died. Anyways I didn’t fuck her and never saw her again. Apparently she was my cousin by marriage.
Next story was with a girl named S. Her pussy was like mud flaps. But we decided to go to a local park in her town. I layed on a bench while she gave me head. Wasn't the best, but I had to return the favor. Her pussy didn’t smell bad but just didn't smell right so I held my nose while eating her out. Eventually we went to her house to fuck and she got on top. Her pussy felt nice, but I decided to get on top and a couple pumps, I was ready to bust. Once I busted, her little brother was about to come downstairs but she told him to stay up there. She got me some paper towels and wiped off. I don’t fully remember if we fucked again but it was short lived. Now I had no sex partners.
I wanted more sex. Being 18 years old my hormones were still raging. Now I messed up my story a little bit, but let's fix it upl, I got laid off from my school to work job and had to go back to high school full time. I was in a trade school which let me pick my career and senior year I was working at a tire shop for my automotive class. Once I got laid off, I went back to auto mechanics and had lunch with the other Seniors and Juniors. This was where I sat with some friends and one girl, M, who I bullied throughout highschool in the earlier years. She had a glow up from freshman to senior year. I decided to tell my one classmate who was friends with her that I wanted to hook up with her. She was suprisingly down to fuck. I was shocked since she hated me. She only did it to spite an ex, but I was only doing it to get sex. Eventually we became friends with benefits. We both only wanted sex out of the “relationship” we had. I decided to have a little fun with this one and did a risky move by hooking up with another student at the school. She was a fat anime bitch who was annoying. But I still went for it. With my skill of dropping panties, I was able to get laid again. This was just a one night stand that wasn't worth the “fun”. Eventually M got on birth control and before you get on birth control, you have to do a test for stds. Well this was a shocker when I found out what I caught from that fat bitch.
Okay, it wasn’t aids, just gonorrhea and chlamydia which were curable by a pill and a shot. I didn't tell her how we got it, just blamed it on D since I hooked up with D months before me and M became sex partners. While me and M were just fucking, she caught feelings and so did I. We started dating and have been dating for a while now. We have a kid and after the kid was born, her sex drive went downhill. Fast. Rarely any blowjobs and sex every other day if im lucky. I just ordered another sex toy that apparently feels just like ablowjob so well see how that turns out. I'm hoping for the best, but with coronavirus in its peak, I'm not sure when it will be here. Im 20 years old now and still have a high sex drive. I keep having sex dreams everytime she isnt in the mood. A couple of months ago I was having sex dreams about fucking other women. They went away so I figured it was just natural. The sex dreams ive had now for 3 days in a row, are desperation. Ive asked for sex and recieved no or hinted at sex and was declined. In these dreams a random girl is teasing me. I keep saying when are we fucking or when can I get a blowjob. It's been driving me a little insane at the moment. I'm sure they will go away, but I feel like the real world conflict is coming to my dreams and doing the same thing. Talking about it makes me realize that the past is over. There isnt gonna be sex every day like I was used too. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I didn't get laid off and have to go back to school. Would I have had more sex with alot more people, or have the same thing happen to me. Obviously I do love my child. I just still have a high sex drive that I dont believe anyone could handle. Who knows tho, maybe my sex drive will drop in my mid 20s. Maybe it won't drop till i'm 40, or 50, or even 60. This will be the end of my story for now. Hopefully I can update this soon.
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Talking About Social Skills & Relationships to a Preteen